For the past week or two or three (I think I am under-exaggerating here, but you ge the point), I have been a cloud of anxious, miserable anger and negativity. My work life has been suffering, my employees have been suffering and becoming infected with it and my health and general well-being just hasn’t been “well.” I have been sick with the negativity plague.
It was brought on (like so many time before in my life and I’m sure in yours too) by a miserable combination of factors. Change. Uncertainty. Fear. Self-Doubt. And of course, I’ve been taking it all on and it has been manifesting itself in my body and mind. I was a victim.
Tonight I had a shift. Actually it began a day ago. I went to the track to run my short little legs off, thinking that strong bouts of extremely intense exercise just might pound my mind into submission. It started paying off. Usually I dread track workouts. This one was amazing. My breathing was regulated. My legs and arms in sync. Toe push-offs were strong and my glutes actually felt like they were working (a bit sore today, but it’s that “good” sore). My mind was shifting.
After the workout, cool-down and much needed shower, I went to the computer and sent an email to my employees, apologizing for my negativity and general lack of leadership. They were confused, but seemed grateful. I spent the rest of the evening, reading and just generally entertaining myself, which is unusual because lately I have been drafting cruel emails and then deleting them and thinking otherwise mean and nasty thoughts.
Then today was different, and even more so. I felt downright happy again. Pleased to help and smile and trust that my instincts were leading me in the right direction. I spent the day at work, doing what needed to be done and finding a new focus that I haven’t seen recently.
Tonight after a quick, short run, I went to my yoga shed in the woods. I began and faced the opposite direction from what is “the usual.” I began to pour sweat. Usually the temperature and humidity have to be really high – around 95 degrees F – for me to really sweat. Tonight was not nearly that hot, but as I went through my vinyasa practice, I became drenched and more and more happy. Something broke. Something inside me let go. Maybe in a few days or weeks or months, through my inquiry, I will discover what broke, but it’s not important and I don’t need to know. Something broke and it is wonderful.